I sit here this morning feeling that I must put words to what I am feeling. I picked up bell hooks’ book “all about love” and a few pages in, I knew that reading this book could not have been more timely. You see, I have been denying the reality of the condition of my beloved heart– it is broken.
I had an epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago. Me in my delusion decided to just settle with the fact that I am happily single and have no desire for deeper connection– all lies. I guess it is easier to fake myself out than to go deep and be real that I am suffering from a broken heart.
I was in a long-term relationship. had even been engaged and it all ended. There were many problems, don’t get me wrong, but the years spent, the connections to family, the levels and layers of emotion- and the depth of love that I had for him…has left me feeling angry that it didn’t work out. And that anger was followed by denial and now a feeling of despair. I have been grieving in all actuality–grieving the deaths of loved ones in addition to the end of a relationship that at one point in time, I never thought would end.
Sister bell quotes a graffiti artists words at the beginning “The search for love continues even in the face of great odds”. As I dig a little deeper, uncovering the gentleness of my sacred heart, I am facing the reality that I do want love. I do want to have someone pull me close to them while we lie in bed on cold mornings. I do want someone to look deeply into my eyes and tell me that they adore me. I do want someone that I can share secret jokes with. I do want to feel the intimacy of deeply felt love again- even in the face of great odds.
Peace everyone. I hope this message finds you all in peace and harmony. I notice I say peace a lot these days, more so than I used to. Is it because of the lack of peace that I have in my life? Is it because of the desire to see more peace in this world? Is it because I am a bit of a hippie? I do believe it is a little bit of all of these things. Albert Einstein once said ““Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” I am finding me; ever-evolving, transforming, transmuting, vibrating, and becoming.
My revolutionary thoughts and actions never supersede my ultimate desire and also my manner. I am a very peaceful person and find myself seeking it more and more. Planetary alignment and Mercury retrograde aside, I have always been very comfortable being with myself. Not a lot of people can say that they enjoy solitude. It is in solitude where one can truly make inquiries to the universe and actually receive a response. I am known for being lively and social but I am actually a bit introverted. I would much rather be to myself, reading, creating, and thinking, than being in a large loud crowd.
I said all of that to say this—life is tough and sometimes it is hard to turn off the noise inside of ourselves. However, it is so necessary to learn to still our minds and find peace within. Revolution begins in the mind. I have learned that the things that we seek externally are actually representative of that which we need internally, well outside of the necessities. We fill our lives with stuff that we actually do not need, waste time doing things that are not feeding our spirits, and with people who are literally draining the life out of us and why?? We have no peace within. We do not love ourselves as we should. We have no comfort.
So, what is next? Take a look in the mirror and find out what you really and truly desire. Do you really need another television in your home, another purse? Do you really love him or is he just a distraction? Can you be alone with yourself and not go crazy? Then think about your level of peace. Do you have peace within? Like my girl Lauryn Hill said “How you gon win when you ain’t right within?” Think about it. Be gentle and loving to yourself. You deserve peace, joy, happiness, and love. Raise your vibration so that the true revolution can begin.
What is nostalgia? It is the feeling of times past, the memories that we hold dear, the sounds, smells, sights, that evoke emotions and comfort from years gone by. Music is like a time machine, taking you back to the exact moment you made eye contact with your first love, or when your mother told you that your father died, or when you went on your first date. Nostalgia has been a good feeling, like grandma’s blankets keeping you warm on a freezing winter night, like the first time my first love held my hand gently in the living room of my mother’s house, like the warm embrace of my grandfather. These days of my life are filled with hard work, serious decision making, as well as intense pressure. My memories are a soft place to fall, a place of love and peace. I am no fool and I know not to place more value on my past than I do on my future, but when I am going through difficult times, I will time travel and take a vacation from today.
I will be 35 years young this upcoming March. It seems strange because I do not feel like I am that old! However, I am grateful to still be on this physical plane today. So many loved ones and friends have transitioned so I am very grateful for this physical life this time around. The memories of those who have gone on before me hold many keys to lessons I am learning right now so I analyze the lessons and wisdom shared.
Life is very cyclical, as is the universe. Things will come full circle in life and to add to that, lessons will continue to reappear to you if you do not learn the lesson the first time. I also realize that the reason that I am perpetually a joyful person is because I have effectively been able to hold onto the “good” vibrations of my past which permeates my spirit and oozes from my aura. I am able to relate to so many different types of people because I have chosen to be an open spirit, to actually see people as they are authentically, because I do not walk in pretension.
One day I will be gone from this life—physically I will be no more. It is my hope that my spirit evokes periods of nostalgia and lessons for those I am connected to; that vibrations of peace, love, harmony, balance, and joy follows them wherever they are and that they have wisdom to realize that it is divine communication between my spirit and theirs. Peace to the ancestors that communicate with me daily.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.-Maya Angelou