Dealing With My Mother Wound

For the past few days,  I have been processing a lot of my emotions about my mother–the deep pain I feel about our broken relationship, the memories, the tears. I do not feel the urge to reach out to her but the lingering question of why always haunts me. Why does she feel the way that she does about me? Why did she never attempt to love me unconditionally and only seem to tolerate me?

The topic of mothers always brings me heaviness. I see people sharing loving memories of their mothers, the sweetness of it, the lessons, the joy. I learned lessons from my own mother hard-there was so sweetness or softness in my experience. And I used to cling to the rarye moments in which it seemed that she was being nice–the time she taught me to ride a bike, the time when she played dolls with me for a little while, or when she told me she was proud of me when I graduated high school.

She is a joy to almost everyone except me. There are countless people that blame me for not having a relationship with her and typically do not believe me when I tell them she has nothing to do with me.

It seems ridiculous that I can only think of a few occasions in which my mother seemed to be a mother to me. And over the years, my disdain and resentment only grew. I was never pretty enough, never calm enough, never enough like “everybody else”. I remember wishing I had been born to a different family, my “real” family, because the one I was in did not seem to fully accept me. My grandparents were the only ones who encouraged my intense curiosity and odd pursuits.

As the years have passed by, I have pondered the what ifs as well. What if I hadn’t been a teenager mother, would she love me then? What if I didn’t look like my father, would she love me then? What if this, what if that. I have come to the conclusion that none of that matters. There exists a legacy of separation between mothers and daughters in my maternal line.

For the past 10 years, I have researched and compiled family history-from maternal and paternal lineages. One major discovery is a theme of separation between mothers and daughters through death and more. Here is the breakdown–my mother and I have no relationship (I was pretty much disowned); my mother was not raised by my grandmother. My grandmother went to work and live in NYC and she was raised by her grandparents. My mother never called her mother momma/mom, she called her Lillie because her grandmother had been her mother until she was 16. My grandma Lillie was not raised by her mother. Her mother, Gracie, abandoned her and her older sister Betty when they were 3 and 5. My grandma had been raised by her step-mother, Caroline. Mother Gracie was not raised by her mother. Her mother, Bettie Alford, hemorrhaged and died after childbirth. So, as you can see, there is a theme.

I have 2 daughters, Ayanna and Aaliyah. I cannot imagine them not being in my life. I cannot imagine not being their mother. I cannot imagine not seeing or speaking to them. They are my legacy. I have sons but, those girls–those girls will continue carrying the legacy of womanhood after I am gone. The theme of separation stops with me.

My ancestral mothers have meant so much to me as I deal with all the hurts of the past. They have been showing up in my dreams, encouraging me, chastising me, guiding me. I have been given many mothers over the years, in one form or the other and I am grateful for them as well.

Maybe she did the best she could with what she had. Maybe she didn’t know how damaging she was to me. We did have a long conversation in 2016 when she pretty much laid out how much my being born had ruined her life and that she wish she hadn’t had me. That conversation almost sent me over the edge mentally. I have never recovered.

There is not much I can do about the situation between Queen and I . She used to say that we get along better when we are not around each other. I guess she got her wish. And maybe she was right. I wish no harm upon her and I do not seek anyone’s sympathy for my predicament. I chose this life. And I will flourish in spite  of being a motherless child.




New Discoveries

It has been entirely too long since my last post but, I am here nonetheless. Life continues to happen and I finally feel as though it is not happening to me, I am actively pursuing and participating in it.

I have had so many awesome experiences since my last post and so much more to share but the purpose of this post is to share another amazing family discovery.

I have been on the journey of researching my family for years. I always wanted to know who I came from. There is an inherent vibe of resiliency that permeates me and I know it is due to the blood that flows through my veins- the blood of all those who came before me.

This DNA calls to me and causes me to dig deeper, to dive into more self discovery and self exploration. So, yesterday, I began to dig again and what I found brought me so much joy.

I discovered an ancestor who was born in the year 1800. She is the oldest ancestor that I have been able to find. Pauline Rogers. The name sounds like some ordinary somebody but, there is nothing ordinary about anyone from that period. I have found something that I suspected all along as well- a direct Native American connection.

I was ecstatic to share the news with my younger cousin, Yaa, as she and I both share a deep passion for this as well as our spiritual journeys. I had to fight back tears of joy as I have been able to do what we all believed was impossible- trace our lineage back over 200 years! Put a name to those who visit us as we sleep- the ability to find more family and connect!

This work may be one of the most important works that I have ever done. It certainly is an honorable one as we all desire to know the roots of the tree in which we sprang from. A book may come from this- I am not sure. But, I am absolutely certain that my ancestors continue to reveal themselves to me for a purpose. And I am here for it all….






Photo Credit:

people – old woman – portrait – picture – profile – head – scarf – black and white
2018-04-03 16:38:48
Nathaniel Tetteh
Kpone Tema, Ghana

Feeling the Fever

Greetings fam! As always, I hope this message finds you well. Spring has “sprung”, though in many areas, it still feels like winter. Pollen has been seen blanketing vehicles in my city of Charlotte. In this city, dogwood trees are in full bloom and I love it.

I hear people talking about all the spring cleaning that they will do. But, I have already completed mine. It just comes second nature to me. I rearranged the furniture, cleaned out the closets, donated clothing, and so much more.

Although I have many more goals in respect to my life, I am so grateful for all that I have accomplished and the simple luxuries that I have in my life. I can sit in my apartment and feel absolutely peaceful, uninterrupted in my thoughts, and joy overcomes me.

Now, I am feeling the fever. I need to get out of the house, do more, show up more, be more. It is my nature to retreat into my world. I am challenging myself to show up more though, to get out and experience new things and meet new people. So far, I am doing just that and loving every minute!

So cheers to a new season, new opportunities, and new beginnings! May we all enjoy all that is blossoming in our lives!




Missing Grandma

I buried my best friend, my teacher, my buddy, my dear grandma Lillie on this day 18 years ago. 18 years- how in the hell is that possible? It doesn’t seem that so many years should have passed by when her death is still so raw, so fresh, so painful to think about.

I still remember the call. I had been feeling sick at work the entire evening and just a week earlier, I had dreamed that she died. So, when my phone rung at around  11:30 that night, I knew what it was before I heard the dreaded words.

I never thought I would lose her in the tragic manner that I did. But, throughout my life, my grandmother had made it clear that she knew that she wouldn’t live to be a very old woman. She would say ” I ain’t gonna live as long as Mama”. “Mama” was her mother and she lived to be 87. Her death was bitter, life shattering, and mind altering. It rocked our family to the core and the damage from her passing created clear rifts that are beyond repair.

Typically, I am fine on Valentine’s Day and even reminisce about my eulogizing her. I still cannot tell you how I stood up in that church and spoke so eloquently about her. All I know was that I had to do it. I didn’t feel that anyone else could do her justice.But, I am literally sitting here now with tears in my eyes, missing her.

I always sing her praises and I always will. I miss her terribly, especially when I am not having the best of days. My grandma had a way of making me feel that all was well, even when it clearly wasn’t. “My Girl” was her song to me and hearing the Temptations song sometimes stings because of the meaning that song has to me.

The days that followed her death were filled with questions, tears, anger, regret, and disbelief. I just could not deal with the fact that I would never hear her laughter again, or hear her stories, or sit in her lap. Gone were the hugs and kisses, the encouraging words, the undying support. My Grandma Lillie meant so much to me and helped nurture me for my entire life.

And although I know she is always with me, guiding me, speaking to me, watching over me, even chastising me when I fall short, the pain of the absence of her presence still hurts me to my core. May my life make her proud, bring honor to her memory, and joy to her spirit.




Simply Be

Greetings fam! I hope this message finds you well and I hope you are not feeling overwhelmed about all of the holiday madness. I wanted to just drop in really quickly to check up on all on you all and speak briefly about a few things.

Can you believe that 2019 is as close as it is? I certainly can’t. When I look and think back on 2018 and how quickly it all went by, I can’t help but to remember my grandma Lillie saying that the older you get the quicker times goes. I remember saying that it wasn’t possible but, I swear it’s the truth.

Maybe it is because we are always so busy doing – working, cleaning, cooking, talking, texting, posting, checking in, running around, supporting, and so on and so forth. Which begs the question, how much time have we spent simply being?

I remember when I was a married twenty-something. I would spend so much time shopping, cooking, decorating, wrapping, and working, and mothering, and wifeing (I know this isn’t a word lol) but, I never stopped to just BE. It left me feeling resentful trying to be Polly Perfect and neglecting myself.

I suppose from the outside looking in my family looked ideal. The smiles on the pictures covered up the dysfunction that lurked. And my heart was simply heavy and my spirit was being dragged. I truly do not know how I survived it all back then. I was driven by this need to create a family that I never had as a child.

Now, I am at a place in my life that I must be and do and think and feel and express myself as I see fit. I have learned the masterful skill of detachment- detachment from people, places, things, ideas, mindsets , habits, and more that are not serving my highest good. And I realize that in my imperfection, I am perfectly perfect.

There are mantras posted by my bed that I read nearly every day. One of them goes as follows:

“I release attachment to all that is not serving my highest good”.  This simple mantra has empowered me to let go of all of the ideas I had of how I should behave as a mother and now ex-wife.

The fallacies we hold about how we should be and act can be damaging, but only if we allow it. We have the power to change the narrative at any time we so choose. So, this is my encouragement to you- if you feel chained in your life, hostage to your “titles, and bound by tradition, choose you over all of it. You deserve to live every day joyfully, no matter how unconventional it may seem to others. Do it for you.


It is absolutely sweet.




7 Years- Time Well Spent

Peace fam! I do hope this post finds you well. I have been having the damndest time carving out time in my schedule to write my annual Loc-versary post. But, here I am, a day (or few) late but, here nonetheless!

This month marks 7 years as a loc’d goddess, 7 years of having a head of kinky dreads. The number 7 holds so much significance. For me, 7 has always represented completion, self-mastery, god status; 7 is the number of my spiritual goddess mother Yemoja.

A little research and one discovers the number 7 also represents the seeker, the thinker, the intellectual, and so much more. 7 is a highly spiritual number, which brings me back to myself and this celebration of sorts.


I am for once standing in my truth, allowing things about myself to be known, sharing gifts that I had hidden for most of my life, and discovering new things about myself along the way. I am finally feeling free enough to fully express my truth through word, video, action, and more. Talk about fucking liberating!

It has taken me years to love myself deeply enough to honor ALL of my emotions, my desires, my needs, my space, my time, the entirety of me! 7 has been a year of completion for me.

I have let go of people, places, situation, and things that are no longer serving me or were unhealthy to me and have no qualms about further releases that are to occur. I am not holding onto anything that will keep me from living my life the way that it is truly intended.

I can actually see my destiny and it is beautiful. I know my purpose and I am walking in it each and every day that I rise and give my tribe what they need through the gifts that I have been given.

Life is coming full circle and I am here for it. As I look at my hair, lightly decorated with new silver hairs, I am pleased. I see the rough times, the successes, the heartaches, the growth.

It is absolutely beautiful.

And it is not over.




Surveying the kingdom
The journey is getting better and better!

7 Ways to Rock Your Morning

Greetings, greetings, greetings! I do hope you are doing well today. How often have you woke up in the morning feeling blah? I believe at least 99.99% of people have. And in those moments that you have felt the “blah”, how often has that permeated and followed you throughout the rest of your day?

What if I told you that there is a way to take your mornings from “blah” to “awesome”? I am going to let you in on my transformative morning routine. Having an awesome morning ritual can help you become more productive, peaceful, and joyful.

  1. Begin your day with gratitude. You can state something as simple as “I am grateful for a new day and all that this day has to offer”. By expressing gratitude, you invite more things into your life to be grateful for.
  2. Drink water. Your body is composed of approximately 60% of water. Drinking water first thing in the morning has multiple benefits including, but not limited to flushing your body of toxins, increasing production of new blood cells, increasing mental acuity, and boosting your metabolism.
  3. Meditate- I am a staunch advocate of daily meditation. The benefits are too long to list but personally, meditation has helped alleviate anxiety, gain clarity, and grow spiritually. If you have never tried to meditate, begin with 2-5 minutes and remember, the goal is not to clear the mind, but to quiet the mind.
  4. Move your body! For several years, I have made a practice of either doing yoga, running, or doing cardio, or all of the above. I know you are thinking, here we go again with the daily exercise. But, the benefits speak for themselves! Regular exercise not only strengthens your body but also your mind and spirit. So, make time, even if only for 15 minutes to be present in your body. You will definitely feel and know the difference.
  5. Connect with your loved ones. I always make time for my family every morning. I want to know how they slept, what their plans are for the day, and most of all, that I love them. Family is important, in whichever way you choose to define it.
  6. Connect with nature. Before I leave home, I spend time outside on my balcony, breathing, listening to the birds, and watching the squirrels. Being in tune with nature has brought a profound sense of peace to my life.
  7. Take time to yourself. I am a mother of 6 children. Being a mother means a lot but having such responsibility is taxing also. By getting up earlier, I am able to just be. I can enjoy a cup of coffee in solitude, journal, just honestly love on myself. This practice is the most important because if we are not loving and creating space for ourselves, we tend to become resentful and burnout. So, rise a little earlier and relish in your “me” time.


I would love to hear from you about your daily morning routine. If you are interested in connecting with me, follow me on IG @simply_ashaki, FB @DivineSoul, or join my email list on my website, I provide intuitive counseling, spiritual growth workshops, and more.





Morning Coffee

Photo Cred: “” by Jennifer Morrow via Flickr

Manifestation On My Mind

Greetings everyone! I hope this post finds you well as always. I woke this morning feeling inspired to share. I have been doing intense study on spiritual practices, being more impactful, and more. I have always enjoyed learning and doing new things but now I am focused on improving the knowledge and information that I currently have for the betterment of my world and community.

I struggle with self-doubt and must constantly work to maintain confidence that the actions I am taking are in line with my life path and purpose. I saw the fruits of my work yesterday. I had a serious financial matter and needed an additional $300 to meet my responsibility. I had already asked a ton of people and even tried to get a loan. I had literally done everything but steal. I was struggling with feeling totally desperate and helpless. But, deep in my core, I felt peaceful and unshakeable, even with the surmounting fear I felt in my belly.

I had been receiving messages from the universe in the form of master numbers appearing everywhere-from receipts at the stores, to the clocks, even in my dreams. I know and understand that nothing is by coincidence and that these numbers were signaling that all would be well. Yet, my lizard brain kept chattering, “What are you going to do?”, “You’re not going to get that money”, and so on.

Well, I found 3 $5 bills in a pair of pants that I had only worn once in a year, then I found 2 more in my purse out of nowhere. In my heart, I knew that this money was a sign of more to come, even though it was a small amount. I went and purchased a lottery ticket. I doubled my $5 investment in the ticket so I bought another. I didn’t win anything but I again saw a master number-33.

I went into my bedroom and sat on the bed, still fighting the feeling of hopelessness. I heard something say, “Go check the mailbox”. At first my logical mind told me that the mail hadn’t run yet but again I heard, “Go check the mailbox”. So, I went and there was a check waiting for me in the total of $474!!

The check came from a company benefit that I no longer worked for. I thought maybe that had made a mistake but when the check cashing associate called to verify, the representative stated that the check was for “additional benefits”!

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I manifested that money. The question then became “How did you do that? I began to recall all that I had been doing over the past month of freelancing from home and there are a few things that I have been doing consistently.

  1. Dreamscaping- I basically dream in a more lucid state, creating my environment, and experiencing the emotions attached to what I dream. I ask myself questions such as “how does it feel to have an abundance of money?” and so on. I set my mind in this matter right before I drift off to deep sleep.
  2. Meditating- I have been meditating for years but have only truly gotten serious about it over the past few years. It is a daily practice. Meditation has provided me with so much more calmness and clarity. I could go on but it is an integral part of my spiritual development.
  3. Visualization- Visualization is much like dreamscaping except I am awake, but I am intentionally “seeing” my life as I would like to have it at this moment.
  4. Mantras- I read and repeat several mantras during the day such as “ I am a money magnet” and “Money flows to me with ease”.
  5. High vibrational frequency- The most important aspect of my days are maintaining a high vibrational frequency. I have realized that I create more discourse in my life if I am depressed, angry, or any lower vibration emotion. I have realized that balance is so key. The 5 principles of Reiki have assisted me in recognizing my own out of control emotions. I repeat them twice daily and it has helped me tremendously.

I hope this has helped someone. There is an increasing shift among the world to seeking more esoteric and metaphysical knowledge. The universe is abundant and there is more than enough for each of us to live life on our own terms.

If you are interested in working or connecting with me, visit my website, . You can also find me on IG @simply_ashaki and FB on Divine Soul (my company page). Have an awesome day!




Going With the Flow

Greetings everyone! I cannot believe it is Friday again already. Where did the week disappear to? I am still reeling from all the changes occurring in my life currently. I have no doubt I am also still feeling the vibes from the awesome Full Moon as well.

I have prided myself on being adaptable but, this time, I honestly am having difficulty adjusting. I can be change averse at times especially if I feel I have been forced and did not have complete control over said changes. But, I am so resilient and persistent that I have no doubt that I will get a handle on things very soon.

I am truly finding out what I am made of and I am always open to messages that the universe provides to confirm and validate my feelings and thoughts on the direction of my life. I have realized that in my quiet, my inner hearing is more powerful and poignant. And connection to others is so very important.

I had an awesome and beautiful discussion with my younger cousin yesterday that set me straight and then throughout last night and this morning, more messages were received confirming my new way of being and thinking.

In the past I have been guilty of making movements that I may not have been entirely sold on but took because of assumed obligations. I have a large family for which I have been the “breadwinner” for the entire time. I have never been in a situation where someone else was paying the majority of the bills in my house.

I realize that I have done a lot of things including remaining in places much too long, and gave people passes out of fear. Because of my past and the things that lie in my subconscious, I fear lack, I fear not knowing the “how”, I fear letting go and allowing flow.

But, in not allowing things to flow as the universe would have, I have created obstacles in my own journey and hindrances in my growth. It is a hard pill to swallow but, to get better, I have to acknowledge and move on and in a different manner. Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

So, here I sit, uncomfortable in my new situation but determined to never look or move backwards. I have chosen to take more risks and to pursue things that I am passionate about . Sometimes we must bet it all! A friend used to say “the bigger the risk, the greater the reward. And I am so ready to receive!

In the meantime, I will be mindful in my decisions, continue to make strides daily so that I can live life on my own terms, doing worthwhile work, and go with the flow!



Strange Fruit

Greetings! I hope this post finds you well on this Thursday morning. I have not written about the never-ending atrocities of racism that my people continue to experience in quite some time. However, things will never change unless we speak about them and act upon them.

The Waffle House killer, Travis Reinking, was taken into custody a few days ago. And although his bond has been revoked, I can not help but to feel infuriated that this murderer was able to stay on the lamb so long and not have a hair on his pretty little head hurt. This case has white privilege written all over it! I feel the same way that I felt when Dylan Roof was taken to get some food by cops after his capture. In the words of an old friend—I am 38 hot!

The names of my people who have been killed at the hands of police officers in Amerikkka over years is absolutely staggering. According to the Washington Post, 68 African Americans have been killed by police this year thus far and in 2017, 223 were killed by police. And according to, black people are 3 times more likely to be killed by police than their white counterparts.

There is no arguing with data. And although I am an artist at heart, I also believe in the power of numbers. My point is that the so-called justice system is truly a “just-us” system. It has been created to protect the interests of those who have held power in this country since its inception. The killings by police is straight up modern day lynching.

So, excuse me if I do not want to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya”.  Amerikka has still not stopped harvesting “Strange Fruit”. May the families of the 4 victims of the Waffle House killer find some semblance of peace in their life. They have my eternal respect.