love

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On Love

Image | Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I sit here this morning feeling that I must put words to what I am feeling. I picked up bell hooks’ book “all about love” and a few pages in, I knew that reading this book could not have been more timely. You see, I have been denying the reality of the condition of my beloved heart– it is broken.

I had an epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago. Me in my delusion decided to just settle with the fact that I am happily single and have no desire for deeper connection– all lies. I guess it is easier to fake myself out than to go deep and be real that I am suffering from a broken heart.

I was in a long-term relationship. had even been engaged and it all ended. There were many problems, don’t get me wrong, but the years spent, the connections to family, the levels and layers of emotion- and the depth of love that I had for him…has left me feeling angry that it didn’t work out. And that anger was followed by denial and now a feeling of despair. I have been grieving in all actuality–grieving the deaths of loved ones in addition to the end of a relationship that at one point in time, I never thought would end.

Sister bell quotes a graffiti artists words at the beginning “The search for love continues even in the face of great odds”. As I dig a little deeper, uncovering the gentleness of my sacred heart, I am facing the reality that I do want love. I do want to have someone pull me close to them while we lie in bed on cold mornings. I do want someone to look deeply into my eyes and tell me that they adore me. I do want someone that I can share secret jokes with. I do want to feel the intimacy of deeply felt love again- even in the face of great odds.

10

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

It has been much too long since my last post but I have started a podcast by the same name as well as I have seemed to be pressed for time and often uninspired. But today is a twofold day of gratitude- it is a day of family, heritage, and for mourning for those native ancestors who were unjustly taken so many moons ago. It is also the eve of my 10 year loc-anniversary.

10 years I have worn my hair in dreadlocks- and before anyone attempts to correct my usage of the word dreadlock, please know and understand that I love being called a “dread”- it has been a way of life, an outward expression of my rebellion against all things meant to hold me down, be less, and conform to so-called societal standards of beauty, class, and femininity.

So, let’s go back. 10 years ago, I had just given birth to my youngest child, I was on the verge of completing my bachelor of science degree in business admin, my husband at the time was facing serious prison time, and I felt like I was drowning- like literally drowning.

I tried to go about the days as normally as possible but, it was impossible. Because of everything that was going on , I could not focus on my next steps. I was graduating with honors and yet still had no hope for the future. As I stared in the mirror, I hated who I had become- all my dreams and hopes for the future seemed to be fleeting and I had all these small children depending on me.

I felt very much a prisoner- caged and dying slowly. Once my husband was sent away a few months later and people started disappearing from our lives, I began to see that I had to quickly make a decision. I was receiving eviction notices every month, I could barely afford daycare for my 2 youngest, and it seemed life was riddled with one calamity after another.

I had to dig deep and save my life and ultimately the lives of my children. It was not easy- I made a lot of missteps in my attempt to build a new life. But, we did it together.

But, as my hair has gotten longer and the years have passed, I have grown wiser, stronger, and taken control of my life. So many things have changed over this decade- changed states, jobs, became happily single, written books, become a spiritual teacher, started and ended businesses, gotten back into art, traveled, and this hair has been with me for the ride.

I do not know what the next decade will bring. But, as I sit here tonight, facing certain uncertainties and trials, I know one thing- I will be more than all right. And I am grateful for all of it- the good, bad, ugly of life. Life is joy, pain, laughter, tears, passion, mundane–and it is still good.

2 Decades

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

20 years ago today, I stood in front of family and friends and eulogized my beloved grandmother, Lillie Ann DeBerry. I will never forget the anxiety that overtook me as I clutched the already written devotion and the feeling of relief when I decided to freestyle it and just speak from my heart. The look on my grandfather’s face, the smiles, but also the emptiness that I felt- the feeling of being gut punched as I braved my way through those moments. Unforgettable.

My mind has a hard time believing that 20 years has passed but another part of self is settled in it. I am such a different person then than I am now. I have been twice divorced, engaged twice, had 5 more children, left organized religion, cut off all my hair, regrew it, grew locs, moved, and yet I still miss my grandma Lillie with the same intensity.

I will tell you that I find great solace and peace in my spiritual practices of ancestral recognition, veneration, and honor. I know that she is ever with me, speaking, guiding, protecting, even chastising at times. Her spirit remains a strong presence in my life and the lives of my children.

Her death was tragic but it was her living that I am more concerned with. Once my mother transitioned last year, they both have shown up in multiple dreams. I giggle at the shenanigans that have occurred in the dream realm with those two. I have often felt a burning anger at how my grandmother lost her life, all of the pain she endured throughout the years. But, just as quickly I recall the joy that she expressed so freely, the tears with each laugh, the warmth of her hugs, and the love in each pot of food that she prepared. And I feel ease. ]

May my life be a testament to the power, strength, tenacity, and pure love of that woman. May my ancestral mothers be honored evermore.

I miss you Grandma Lillie. I love you. Until we meet again,

-Your Girl

The Legacy of Coffee

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

The other day I was thinking how much my mornings look like my mom’s when she was in her twenties. She always had fresh coffee, made her breakfast, read the newspaper, and prepared herself for the day–savoring the few hours early before anyone else was awake. I am much the same. I am up early on purpose. I love having time to rise slowly, be with myself, and pamper me for a bit before I have to face the world.

I began to reminisce about how all of my family- especially the women who raised me enjoyed coffee. My mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother all shared laughs, memories, debates, and so much more over a hot cup of coffee. It was a necessary staple in all of their households and I continue the legacy.

I remember Grandma Lillie putting on the percolator, brewing coffee early in the morning. I loved the smell ( I still do ) and I would beg for a little bit. My great-grandmother would say “You can’t have any coffee, it’ll make you black” and I would say “Well, I’m already black so give me mine!”. The women would swat me away but, I would hang around listening, being careful not to be too much of a nuisance so that they would allow me to hang.

I still vividly remember how they took their coffee too- Momma had 2 teaspoons of sugar and a little cream, Grandma liked her coffee black, and Great-grandma liked her with just a little cream. Coffee. I also realize that even in having just a cup of coffee, my foremothers were giving themselves of some well-deserved pleasure. Even in its simplicity, just the mere act of them sitting , drinking, and enjoying it brings me so much joy.

How hard they all had worked over the years, how much they had toiled. They deserved every ounce they savored. And so, as I sit early in the mornings, sipping on my coffee, I am honoring their memory by keeping the legacy alive.

Supreme gratitude of coffee.

Peace,

Ashaki

Peace 2020

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I cannot lie and say that this year went by quickly for me, because it certainly didn’t . It actually feels like more than a year has gone by since my end of year blog for 2019. But, I also realize that this year has given me much in relation to the person that is currently sitting at her workstation putting her thoughts onto virtual paper.

I want to share 5 important lessons that I learned this year. This list is definitely not an all-inclusive list for all I have learned in 2020, but they certainly are high on the totem pole.

  1. Goodbyes come quickly- So many people lost so many loved ones this year. I lost my mother, sister, and 3 other family members. Spend time talking to your folks, let them know that you love them, and cherish your time together because time is a commodity that cannot be replaced.
  2. Allow space for your feelings- I was confronted by a reoccurrence of PTSD in 2020. I was functioning but, not living. I was working myself ragged and thinking that I was ok until I was pulled on the side of a road, thoughts racing, unable to move. I had to allow myself to feel, acknowledge my feelings, and deal with them. I knew it was real when I broke down in her office.
  3. Stop doing things you don’t want to do and actually pursue your passions. I had to decide for myself to choose what I wanted to do and stop saying yes to everything I know I had no passion for. I found myself immersed in painting, divination, yoga, and meditation. Although I love Afrikan art and accessories, I stopped selling and promoting those products. I stopped joining Zoom calls and groups with promises of profit just because it was working for others. That ain’t my ministry and I am good with it.
  4. Set boundaries and keep them there! If I learned anything from my last relationship, it was for me to set healthy boundaries and maintain them. I can no longer allow myself to be caught up in unhealthy relationships, push myself to the limits, and not advocate for myself. I set the bar high because I know I deserve better than I have accepted. And I have gladly said goodbye to a few folks who refused to honor my boundaries.
  5. I am worthy of the best- For so many years, I have denied myself certain luxuries because I truly did not see how valuable I am. Well, I learned my value and although it is a continual process to keep myself from going back into accepting less than, I know that the best of life is my destiny and I want it! So, I have set a standard of only accepting that which is truly pleasing to me and nothing less. And subsequently I have been attracting better by doing so. So, I shall continue.

I hope that this new year brings you all more bliss, continued good health, abundance, joy, love, and peace. I will see you on the other side.

Peace,

Ashaki

Waiting for My Divine Love

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Peace beloveds. As always, I hope that this post finds you well. I have been feeling the angst of singleness lately and wanted to share a few things.

One of my desires is to love, deeply, safely, and intensely. I would love to share space and time with someone. But, after many failures, I had recently locked this particular desire away, deciding to instead focus on my healing, growth, and evolution. I have not made the best decisions when it comes to entering into relationships, seeing their potential instead of their truth. And it has been damaging. I have been broken more times than I wish to say, harmed, abused, ignored– you name it.

Although I had entertained the thought of trying again, I am back to square one after being disappointed yet again. So, I said bump it– I. AM. DONE. I expressed my pain to a friend and she brought me a new perspective over the weekend. She put it to me like this–have you ever thought that spirit made them move away from you because they are not worthy? She expressed how important my walk is in this life and how it will take a very special person to support me in my goddesshood. She explained how in our motherland, the healers are often single because they could not find a partner who could handle the mantle that they carried in life. She expressed that my person has to be worthy of me and understand and accept the sacred work that I do.

I sat and meditated on this for a few hours. I know that I had not done anything for the inconsistency that I had received. And I heard spirit say that some of these men are seeking whom they can devour. It rattled me deep inside of myself. I had one particular person continually speak about my energy. I now feel deep down that is was not me at all that they were attracted to but to the energy and the light that I bring into the world. and have

So, I have decided to just allow space. When the time comes, my divine mate will make an appearance. Until then, I shall love me through and through. I shall dance, sing, paint, mother, divine, just be. I will love the hell out of my life until he shows himself true. See you all soon!

Peace,
-Ashaki

Emotional Maturity & Other Discoveries

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I woke up this morning with so much on my mind after having a good conversation with  a dear sister-friend last night. I have come to the decision that I will remain single and will not entertain the idea of a relationship until I am good and ready.

During this time at home alone with my thoughts and memories, I have had a few epiphanies. I have uncovered the reason why I have attracted emotionally unavailable people, why my love language includes affirmations/attention, why I have felt so abandoned–it all ties to my childhood.

Although I had some family members who were super loving, I also had an emotionally unavailable mother and an absent father (not by his doing). I always worked myself into a frenzy to be perfect, hoping that one day she would be proud of me, think I was worthy, and finally show love and nurturing to me. I always felt like I was a burden and because I was an “outside” child, I felt the harsh reality that I didn’t fit and that my living somehow ruined their picture perfect family.

I am super sensitive. Some folks think I am super tough but, what they don’t know is that I cultivated a toughness over the years to protect myself from being hurt by those that I love. My younger brother had health problems growing up and I was healthy as a horse for the most part. My health and the fact that I was not my step-father’s child, caused a noticeable rift- while everyone else in the house was a Johnson, I was a DeBerry. I vividly remember people asking why my last name was different. Those microaggressions, the lack of love, and the feelings of neglect scarred me deeply, led me into unhealthy relationships because of my desire to be loved.

This time of digging has led me to the resolution that I need to be alone, unattached, and focused on me at this time of my life. Why would I continue to do what I have done in the past and have the same results? I somehow have felt inadequate when I wasn’t with anyone, more often that not, folks never believe me when I say that I am single.  I now know what I want and am finally beginning to be unapologetic about expressing it to whomever chooses to pursue me.

I am rediscovering things about myself that I had long forgotten as I continue on this journey of singlehood. I also realize that I too had been led to believe that being single at this age was some type of scarlet letter, a blemish on me. I am perfect just the way that I am and I am great without a relationship.

I have been unattached (officially) for nearly 2 years. I have had some of the  best times, gone on dates, been to concerts, traveled, allowed myself to be–well sometimes. There have been times that I mulled over the fact that I was becoming comfortable being unattached and surely by now, I should have a new man. But, why? Why do we feel that we are not great if we don’t have a relationship?

I am heavily involved in the study of all things metaphysical. Some of the men I have dated, I truly liked-some more than others. So, I would do the knowledge- cosmic alignment charts, natal chart, and more; trying to see if he and I could become “we”. And each time, I found that there was little to nothing there and for good reason. Why would I want to be with anyone who could not even text me back, keep their word, or show a little consistency?

Societal trends and social programming from childhood will have you messed up! I had dreams of being married, raising my family, enjoying nights cuddling with my person by this age. I was married, I am still raising my family, and often I cuddle a pillow. I won’t lie and say that I don’t get lonely- sure I do. The last relationship that I was in ended badly and left me so hurt. But, I still want to love again. However, I know what I want.

So, I am choosing to forge a new path. I will never be anyone but, myself. I will never not be magickal, a little crazy, a nerd, super sexual, fun-loving, sometimes spicy….And maybe somewhere along the way of me reimagining my life, choosing to do what brings me joy, raising the Tribe, and allowing Ashaki to be her full and total self–a person will come along and fit right in and we will add to each other’s lives.

Until then, I feel like a dread-headed, yoga-loving, tea-drinking, artsy bad ass version of Carrie Bradshaw. Mr. Big I am waiting for you-but, there is no rush!

 

Peace,

Ashaki

The Inherent Value of Life

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

This morning I learned of the passing of an old friend. It struck me hard in the center of my chest. He was young and yet succumbed to cancer- pancreatic to be exact. All I keep replaying is the last exchange that we had when he asked for me to send him some Reiki, and all of the subsequent messages I sent him after I hadn’t heard from him in a while.

I distinctly remember sending the last message and feeling anxious when he hadn’t responded. He always responded when we messaged each other. As I sit here today, reviewing the last few years of correspondence between him and I, I feel numb. The collection of conversation, seemed somewhat insignificant at the time, but now it has changed.

Why do we as humans not always see the inherent value in our exchanges with others? I realize that he gave me things over the years- an honest opinion, laughter, a different perspective. He is a part of my evolution and he always, always told me how proud he was to know me. But, make no mistake, he would call me on my bullshit, he would challenge my decisions, he would push me to face myself. I will forever be grateful for him.

It is a pity that most of us do not truly see how important our connections are, how much people really mean to us until they have gone on to another chapter. He mattered to me and to so many other people. I will never forget how much our conversations added to my life, how he always checked on me and my family, how he never forgot my birthday. Ase’ and love to his spirit and my sincerest condolences to his family, especially his beautiful young daughter.

May we all cherish our friendships more, express our gratitude more, love harder, live more fully. Life is fleeting, hard, at times unfair but, in my words from my memoir, life is still good.

 

Until the next time, take care,

Ashaki

I Remember Love

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I remember Love. It happened quickly…beginning with harmless online flirtation then proceeding to hours long conversations. Love was a tad bit younger but the fire that existed between the two of us was undeniable. His intelligence was attractive and he was handsome but that is not what captured me.

It was the way that Love spoke my name. It was the way he said “babe”. And the first time he told me that he loved me, I knew it was real. He was rugged to everyone it seemed but, he was tender towards me. He handled me gently, always was interested in how I was doing, super supportive, and just open. It was a vibe between us. He just got me it seemed. I needed to see him in person to see if the vibe would intensify.

So, one night, I drove 5 hours just on a whim. In retrospect, I know it may sound crazy but, I had to know for myself and I am that way. I am sometimes a person that “flies by the seat of their pants”. I will take risks, I will try anything once. And I am famously curious (blame it on my Gemini rising or my Mercury in Aquarius). I needed to look Love in the face.

The closer I got to my destination, the more fearful I became. What if he was a creep? What if he saw me in person and didn’t feel the same? But, I had gone to far to go turn back. I pulled up to where he told me to meet him and once he walked up to my vehicle and spoke, I felt my insides melt. The voice. That voice still rings in my ears–just sweet to my senses.

When we finally got where we could stop (it was dark and I was exhausted), we embraced and I felt him trembling. I think he was afraid as I was. We kissed and I felt my heart flip. I was in love and it was not a lustful thing, it was like an innocent, puppy dog love.  And it felt natural, nothing was forced. It just flowed.

Months went by and our bond seemed to grow stronger but, my life was complicated. I had an ex who still lingered around and would not leave me alone. And I was weak for him still. In all honesty, I was still very codependent and could not see my way away from still depending on him with helping with my children day to day. Love lived so far away and could not be there to help me in that way. We would argue about nothing. And it got to be too much. So, I went back to the ex and left Love alone.

But, I never forgot him. Ever. In November of 2015, a dear friend, an elder passed away unexpectedly. Love had introduced us and we were instant friends. I also became friends with her husband and I wanted to offer my condolences. So, I reached out to Love. I knew he had their contact information. He was livid with me and for good reason. But, he gave me the information. We began to chat again and I let him know that I still loved him so very much. So, we agreed to meet up.

I went to him and poured my heart and soul out to him. He captured every tear that fell that night. We made sweet love that winter weekend but made no promises that we would try again. But deep down, we both knew that we wanted to be together. I left him feeling relieved but unsure of what was to come.

We tried to stay away from each other but we just couldn’t help it. That February of 2016, we decided we would be together again. I was so happy. We wanted to get married. He met my children. I was with him every chance that I got.

But, this time, I was in danger. My ex threatened harm to me if I didn’t leave Love alone. Between complicated situations with the ex and my mother, Love and I fell apart. By April, it was all over again- and I knew this time it was for good.

I lost so much in 2016. I lost one of the greatest loves I have ever known. I lost a best friend. I lost family members I learned the true definition of family and relatives. I almost lost me.

I gathered up what was left of my spirit and began to rebuild my life in Charlotte in June of 2017.  I lost almost everything that I had toiled for so many years in that one year-including Love. So,  I placed Love in a folder in the recesses of my mind. I tried to forget him and the times that we shared, but it impossible to do when it is real.

I think of Love from time to time, hoping he is safe, happy, well. I reached out to him once. He never responded to me. I hurt him and I know I did. I ruined that entire relationship. I cried and cried about it from time to time; tried to figure out why I did what I did. It still honestly doesn’t make sense to me.

Recently, Love has been on my mind more. They say that if you are thinking of someone a lot, they are also thinking of you. I do hope that his thoughts of me are not all bad. Sometimes I wish I could speak to him just one more time, allow him to see how much I have matured, hear how he is, just reconnect.

My life is so different now. I am free to be who I want to be, see who I want to see, love who I want to love. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if he and I would have married, especially with the current state of the world. I also am no fool. If it were meant to be, it would have happened. And who knows, maybe Love will show himself to me again. Only time will tell.

 

One last thing, if Love ever reads this- please know that I truly never intended to hurt you. I truly did love you and probably always will. I was wrong and have suffered because of it. During the time when things fell apart, my whole world fell apart as well and I didn’t feel that you understood what was happening at all. I should have communicated that but, I did not know how. I hope you are doing well. I hope that you have the love that you deserve. I wish nothing but the best for you always.

 

Peace,

Ashaki