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On Love

Image | Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I sit here this morning feeling that I must put words to what I am feeling. I picked up bell hooks’ book “all about love” and a few pages in, I knew that reading this book could not have been more timely. You see, I have been denying the reality of the condition of my beloved heart– it is broken.

I had an epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago. Me in my delusion decided to just settle with the fact that I am happily single and have no desire for deeper connection– all lies. I guess it is easier to fake myself out than to go deep and be real that I am suffering from a broken heart.

I was in a long-term relationship. had even been engaged and it all ended. There were many problems, don’t get me wrong, but the years spent, the connections to family, the levels and layers of emotion- and the depth of love that I had for him…has left me feeling angry that it didn’t work out. And that anger was followed by denial and now a feeling of despair. I have been grieving in all actuality–grieving the deaths of loved ones in addition to the end of a relationship that at one point in time, I never thought would end.

Sister bell quotes a graffiti artists words at the beginning “The search for love continues even in the face of great odds”. As I dig a little deeper, uncovering the gentleness of my sacred heart, I am facing the reality that I do want love. I do want to have someone pull me close to them while we lie in bed on cold mornings. I do want someone to look deeply into my eyes and tell me that they adore me. I do want someone that I can share secret jokes with. I do want to feel the intimacy of deeply felt love again- even in the face of great odds.

10

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

It has been much too long since my last post but I have started a podcast by the same name as well as I have seemed to be pressed for time and often uninspired. But today is a twofold day of gratitude- it is a day of family, heritage, and for mourning for those native ancestors who were unjustly taken so many moons ago. It is also the eve of my 10 year loc-anniversary.

10 years I have worn my hair in dreadlocks- and before anyone attempts to correct my usage of the word dreadlock, please know and understand that I love being called a “dread”- it has been a way of life, an outward expression of my rebellion against all things meant to hold me down, be less, and conform to so-called societal standards of beauty, class, and femininity.

So, let’s go back. 10 years ago, I had just given birth to my youngest child, I was on the verge of completing my bachelor of science degree in business admin, my husband at the time was facing serious prison time, and I felt like I was drowning- like literally drowning.

I tried to go about the days as normally as possible but, it was impossible. Because of everything that was going on , I could not focus on my next steps. I was graduating with honors and yet still had no hope for the future. As I stared in the mirror, I hated who I had become- all my dreams and hopes for the future seemed to be fleeting and I had all these small children depending on me.

I felt very much a prisoner- caged and dying slowly. Once my husband was sent away a few months later and people started disappearing from our lives, I began to see that I had to quickly make a decision. I was receiving eviction notices every month, I could barely afford daycare for my 2 youngest, and it seemed life was riddled with one calamity after another.

I had to dig deep and save my life and ultimately the lives of my children. It was not easy- I made a lot of missteps in my attempt to build a new life. But, we did it together.

But, as my hair has gotten longer and the years have passed, I have grown wiser, stronger, and taken control of my life. So many things have changed over this decade- changed states, jobs, became happily single, written books, become a spiritual teacher, started and ended businesses, gotten back into art, traveled, and this hair has been with me for the ride.

I do not know what the next decade will bring. But, as I sit here tonight, facing certain uncertainties and trials, I know one thing- I will be more than all right. And I am grateful for all of it- the good, bad, ugly of life. Life is joy, pain, laughter, tears, passion, mundane–and it is still good.

The Rage

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I have not written about my thoughts about the state of affairs in regards to the relationship between black people and the police in a very long time. I used to dedicate so much of my time to it. The weight of it all began to affect me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

But, when a 15 year old girl is gunned down after calling for help– I had to allow my rage to be fully expressed. This rage is truly incomprehensible, it is ancient, one that comes from my ancient ancestors- those that had to witness lynchings, beatings, seeing their children sold off, being separated from their homelands, language, customs, spiritual systems.

This rage is deep seated. It is an emotion that can not truly be quantified. It pulsates, it never truly dies. It festers and drives me on. When folks ask me why I do not trust law enforcement, I am appalled. Look at what they continue to do. And they will go to great lengths to justify treating my family worse than a dog.

It is always this way. We take one step forward to be pushed back 10. For this reason, the rage has a life of its own. We continue to be dehumanized, retraumatized, and told to grin and bear it. I am exhausted! But, the rage does not allow for rest.

This rage is ancient. This rage is alive. Is there no safe place, no security, no solace for black people ?

I am choosing rage. And if it ever comes to my door, I choose violence..

40 Where?

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Hello everyone. I hope that this message finds you well. I recently celebrated my 40th trip around the sun. 40. I don’t know when I arrived here but, here I am nonetheless- still youthful, joyful, silly, some may some immature in some ways but, definitely wiser, stronger, and more grateful than I have ever been in this life. I don’t know how my mother or grandmother felt in their body at 40, but I honestly feel amazing most days.

The point of this blog though is not even a reflection back but, more of taking a seat in the present. I realize how much I have missed in the past because of my eternal curiosity and intuitive knowing of that which is to come. In the present moment, I am focused on showing up every single day as my full self , focusing on my own plate and what is on it, and striving to be a better me than I was on the previous day.

I have taken more definitive steps to improve my near future than I ever have in the past. I have done things in the name of preserving myself and my children. And I am extremely pleased with myself. This is what growth looks like- it looks like admitting our missteps, correcting the things that I am able to, and still loving on me, showing self-compassion, and allowing myself to feel pleasure because I deserve it.

That’s the thing about growing older- you realize just how human you truly are but that you are also allowed the same level of grace that you allow others. You also realize that there really is no certain “age” requirements for accomplishing goals, reaching for desires, pursuing a new life.

I am rewriting my story. In the meantime, cheers to Chapter 40! I will be celebrating for the remainder of 2021!\

Peace,

Ashaki

2 Decades

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

20 years ago today, I stood in front of family and friends and eulogized my beloved grandmother, Lillie Ann DeBerry. I will never forget the anxiety that overtook me as I clutched the already written devotion and the feeling of relief when I decided to freestyle it and just speak from my heart. The look on my grandfather’s face, the smiles, but also the emptiness that I felt- the feeling of being gut punched as I braved my way through those moments. Unforgettable.

My mind has a hard time believing that 20 years has passed but another part of self is settled in it. I am such a different person then than I am now. I have been twice divorced, engaged twice, had 5 more children, left organized religion, cut off all my hair, regrew it, grew locs, moved, and yet I still miss my grandma Lillie with the same intensity.

I will tell you that I find great solace and peace in my spiritual practices of ancestral recognition, veneration, and honor. I know that she is ever with me, speaking, guiding, protecting, even chastising at times. Her spirit remains a strong presence in my life and the lives of my children.

Her death was tragic but it was her living that I am more concerned with. Once my mother transitioned last year, they both have shown up in multiple dreams. I giggle at the shenanigans that have occurred in the dream realm with those two. I have often felt a burning anger at how my grandmother lost her life, all of the pain she endured throughout the years. But, just as quickly I recall the joy that she expressed so freely, the tears with each laugh, the warmth of her hugs, and the love in each pot of food that she prepared. And I feel ease. ]

May my life be a testament to the power, strength, tenacity, and pure love of that woman. May my ancestral mothers be honored evermore.

I miss you Grandma Lillie. I love you. Until we meet again,

-Your Girl

The Legacy of Coffee

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

The other day I was thinking how much my mornings look like my mom’s when she was in her twenties. She always had fresh coffee, made her breakfast, read the newspaper, and prepared herself for the day–savoring the few hours early before anyone else was awake. I am much the same. I am up early on purpose. I love having time to rise slowly, be with myself, and pamper me for a bit before I have to face the world.

I began to reminisce about how all of my family- especially the women who raised me enjoyed coffee. My mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother all shared laughs, memories, debates, and so much more over a hot cup of coffee. It was a necessary staple in all of their households and I continue the legacy.

I remember Grandma Lillie putting on the percolator, brewing coffee early in the morning. I loved the smell ( I still do ) and I would beg for a little bit. My great-grandmother would say “You can’t have any coffee, it’ll make you black” and I would say “Well, I’m already black so give me mine!”. The women would swat me away but, I would hang around listening, being careful not to be too much of a nuisance so that they would allow me to hang.

I still vividly remember how they took their coffee too- Momma had 2 teaspoons of sugar and a little cream, Grandma liked her coffee black, and Great-grandma liked her with just a little cream. Coffee. I also realize that even in having just a cup of coffee, my foremothers were giving themselves of some well-deserved pleasure. Even in its simplicity, just the mere act of them sitting , drinking, and enjoying it brings me so much joy.

How hard they all had worked over the years, how much they had toiled. They deserved every ounce they savored. And so, as I sit early in the mornings, sipping on my coffee, I am honoring their memory by keeping the legacy alive.

Supreme gratitude of coffee.

Peace,

Ashaki

Peace 2020

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

I cannot lie and say that this year went by quickly for me, because it certainly didn’t . It actually feels like more than a year has gone by since my end of year blog for 2019. But, I also realize that this year has given me much in relation to the person that is currently sitting at her workstation putting her thoughts onto virtual paper.

I want to share 5 important lessons that I learned this year. This list is definitely not an all-inclusive list for all I have learned in 2020, but they certainly are high on the totem pole.

  1. Goodbyes come quickly- So many people lost so many loved ones this year. I lost my mother, sister, and 3 other family members. Spend time talking to your folks, let them know that you love them, and cherish your time together because time is a commodity that cannot be replaced.
  2. Allow space for your feelings- I was confronted by a reoccurrence of PTSD in 2020. I was functioning but, not living. I was working myself ragged and thinking that I was ok until I was pulled on the side of a road, thoughts racing, unable to move. I had to allow myself to feel, acknowledge my feelings, and deal with them. I knew it was real when I broke down in her office.
  3. Stop doing things you don’t want to do and actually pursue your passions. I had to decide for myself to choose what I wanted to do and stop saying yes to everything I know I had no passion for. I found myself immersed in painting, divination, yoga, and meditation. Although I love Afrikan art and accessories, I stopped selling and promoting those products. I stopped joining Zoom calls and groups with promises of profit just because it was working for others. That ain’t my ministry and I am good with it.
  4. Set boundaries and keep them there! If I learned anything from my last relationship, it was for me to set healthy boundaries and maintain them. I can no longer allow myself to be caught up in unhealthy relationships, push myself to the limits, and not advocate for myself. I set the bar high because I know I deserve better than I have accepted. And I have gladly said goodbye to a few folks who refused to honor my boundaries.
  5. I am worthy of the best- For so many years, I have denied myself certain luxuries because I truly did not see how valuable I am. Well, I learned my value and although it is a continual process to keep myself from going back into accepting less than, I know that the best of life is my destiny and I want it! So, I have set a standard of only accepting that which is truly pleasing to me and nothing less. And subsequently I have been attracting better by doing so. So, I shall continue.

I hope that this new year brings you all more bliss, continued good health, abundance, joy, love, and peace. I will see you on the other side.

Peace,

Ashaki

Discovering Joy

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Peace fam! It has been a bit since my last post but, true to form, your girl has been busy. As you all know, I have had my share of losses this year, changes trials but, I have also been blessed with growth, abundance in ways that I never could have perceived before, and with opportunity for more , including expansion.

I am seeing more of how alignment plays a huge part in how much joy one can experience and how abundance is so much more than what we typically see.

Since returning home from my sister’s funeral, I have chosen to work harder towards my goals . One of my goals is to grow my business so that I can quit working part time. I realize that I haven’t taken the time to relish the fact that I have been able to maintain my lifestyle while only working part time. In my 20 year career, I NEVER worked less than 40 hours a week–I often worked much more! If my current life is not a shining example of unrecognized abundance, I don’t know what is.

I have been able to express my talents and actually be paid for it. This is absolutely amazing. I had to have a sit down with my damn self. It went like this “Girl you are making huge strides!” “You are making money from your business, making connections, celebrate your small wins”.

We often push ourselves to the point of exhaustion and never take time to reflect on how far we have come in our journey. And it is shameful! You and I are worthy of praise. If you are still pursuing your dreams, I believe you will achieve them. Never give up, never give in! And stop once in a while to smell the roses, watch the birds, admire a flower…

See You All Soon,

Ashaki

I Am

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Peace everyone! I hope this post finds you well. I am having lunch at my j.o.b. and felt inclined to write a bit today. I am kinda random that way. Anyway, these days it seems that I am more inclined to write or paint my thoughts than sharing via video. Emotions can be a lot.

I had to say goodbye to yet another family member this past weekend. One thing that death has done for me is to help me clear the clutter from my eyes and get to the meat of my why.

Why do I do the things that I do or have done? What mark do I want to leave once I transition from the physical? Who am I? Coincidentally (or not), the theme of one of my favorite shows “LoveCraft Country” showcased a theme similar to my query this past Sunday.

The character, Hippolyta, was confronted with her action of shrinking and forced to name herself and essentially define herself. How many of us are walking around being shadows of who we could be if we only allowed ourselves space to do so? How many of us have shrank ourselves for the comfort of others? And why did we allow ourselves to step into the background of everyone else’s foreground?

I have had several realizations over the past week about my own journey. I have been playing small potatoes, choosing to play the underdog knowing full well I am the lead. I have chosen the supporting character when I should be in a leading role.

Who am I?

Life is calling out to me- to do more, to allow myself to be more, to be seen and celebrated. I do question how I can do these things and what I am seeing is that I must just allow as the universe introduces the opportunity.

I have often leaned on the “I will”. But, now I know I AM.

See you all soon!

-A

Thinking of Mother Caroline

Posted on by Ashaki Omikunle

Today would have been my great-grandmother Caroline DeBerry’s 109th bEarthday. She is one of my most prominent ancestors, always quiet but strongly assisting me along.
I was thinking of her today as I went about my day. She was such a sweet person, always gently nudging me to be my best self and to push myself to higher heights. She also encouraged me to stand in my femininity, to embrace my womanhood.

I have discovered some new things about her over this past year. She lived until I was 18 years old. I never knew how much she gave, how wholeheartedly she loved, how generous she was with her love. This woman raised 2 generations of children who were not biologically hers, and helped to raise me as well. Discovering how she came into my grandmother’s life has truly deepened the love and reinforced the respect I already had for her.

I miss a few things about Momma- her giggle, her sitting in her rocking chair, being at her house, her stories, and really just being in her presence. I hope that she is pleased with me and the work that I have done. I still am a work in progress but thanks to her guidance, I am still a masterpiece.

I love you Momma!

Ashaki