Lessons from a Decade of Living

Peace all! I hope this post finds you well. I was sitting here this morning scrolling through Facebook looking at all of the 10 year reflective posts. I even posted my own- a picture from late 2009 when I was pregnant with my son Bryson and a picture of me taken recently.

On the surface, you can see how much I have changed in my appearance. I look younger now than I did then. But, on a deeper level, I am vastly different than I was then. In 2009, I was in a loveless marriage. I constantly felt that I had to prove something, be perfect (whatever the hell perfect means), and fit into some image that I felt would help my life improve.

I was in undergraduate school working on obtaining a Bachelor of Arts degree in Business Administration. I was working full time as a nurse in a nursing home. I was a wife and mother of 4.5 children. And I was miserable. I wanted so much more of life and more for myself.

I wanted to not water myself down for folks- to be my amazingly intelligent, wild, magickal self but, I was in denial. I allowed church to dictate my manners, my marriage to isolate me from enjoying things, my children to be an excuse as to why I couldn’t be free.

I thought nothing would change until one day 3 years later when my now ex -husband was taken away to federal prison. Then, it was just my children and I . I made a decision to leave familiar and dive head first into something new. I began to run every day and my figure slimmed. No coincidence that my hair journey began shortly before December 24th, 2010 when I cut all the chemicals out revealing curls and expanding my energy.

It was like a domino effect really. I chopped the hair, got pregnant again 2010, gave birth in 2011, husband gone and marriage over in 2012, started taking control of my life and taking risks in 2012, moved away in 2013….and now in 2019….I am me!

I began to do what I wanted and how I wanted. There were times when I would revert back– my crazy ass wound up in a terrible relationship with a narcissist after my marriage ended. However, even through that, I continued to pursue myself. I allowed myself to breathe, to enjoy myself, travel, eat , cry, move my body, make new friends, let some go, connect to spirit, heal, and most of all-BE!

May 2020 bring more of me to me- more joy, more experiences, more love, more passion, more authenticity, more connection, just more. I am so, so ready!

 

Peace,

Ashaki A.

 

 

Stepping Up My Game

Greetings fam! As always, I hope this message finds you well. I am coming to you all on the brink of explosion, well probably more like an implosion because I am usually very non-confrontational.

I know that I have to make some more major decisions. And they are not going to be easy but, they are so necessary. I have had to make other adjustments over the past 2 years that have brought tears, anxiety, and more unpleasantness.

These new changes are probably going to induce some of those same emotions but, I always follow my first mind. If my first mind tells me to let something or someone go, I do just that nowadays. I spent many years denying those thoughts and suffered much in the long run because of my “kung-fu grip” approach to people.

Some of these changes involve my lifestyle. I am going to push myself more physically, increase my overall care of myself, and really focus on improving myself. I am currently sipping on a nice smoothie as I type this (insert wink here!). I am actually considering heading back to the gym! Even if I only make it to the gym a few nights a week, I think it will be good for me to just get out of the house, focus on making improvements, and build some new self-care practices in addition to what I do already.

I am also going to work towards putting myself out there more. I must admit it is frightening to expose my spiritual business to the entire world, approaching new potential clients, and sharing my gifts. I am just like anyone, I feel self-doubt, unworthiness, and small compared to others that I see. However, there is something within me that will not allow me to not move forward. So, here I come- out in the open for the world to see.

This is just a small snapshot of me stepping my game up. I have so much more to do….

#staytuned

 

Peace,

Ashaki

Beginning Again…

Peace everyone. It has been quite some time since my last post and for so many different reasons. I have lost a dear loved one, started a new business (which is soon to launch), among other things. I titled this post “Beginning Again” because that is literally what I am having to do at this point in time.

About six weeks ago I joined a business bootcamp. Now, on the surface, it appeared to be solely business based but what I found along the way is that I had to confront my life at its current state. I had to come to the realization that I was not totally clear on what I wanted and once I gained clarity, I knew a lot had to change. Change is not always easy, desired, or painless.

For most of my adult life, I have been someone’s wife and then I was in another serious relationship soon after my marriage ended. I have never had to truly be alone since I was about 22 years old and even then, I had long relationships for the most part. Now, I have to deal with Ashaki– her quirks, her longings, her feelings. It has been emotional but also enlightening.

I just celebrated a bEarthday on March 15th and last weekend I took myself out of town for the weekend. I enjoyed my stay in a lavish hotel, eating beautiful food, getting a massage, and napping to the sound of the ocean. I learned that I am a “company addict”.  I am not the “be alone” type if that makes sense even though I have been feeling that I want to be alone for a while. Anywho, I came to the realization that is not truly the company that I desire but rather the distraction from being with myself.

And so life is beginning–again. I am restructuring everything as I must. And this journey may be arduous but at the end I will be rewarded. No I am not speaking in terms of anything monetary, but I will gain a greater understanding of who I am, what kind of stuff I am made of, and also what I have to offer to the world. I would love to be a wife again someday but for now, let me just learn to be a friend and lover to myself.

 

 

Hetepu,

Ashaki Ma’at Mirembe Ali