Just An Observation

Peace loves!

It has been quite some time since my last blog post but for good reason- life. I am learning to be more present, to move with true intention, to show myself grace too. But, this Saturday morning, I feel inspired to write a little bit so here I am , sitting in my favorite chair, coffee at my side, laptop in my lap.

Today, I realized, or maybe observed just how much of ,my life has been spent making myself more palatable to everyone outside of myself. I don’t really know when I started this. I have always been told that I was too loud- by my mother, my godsister, my teachers, and so on. So, I started speaking more quietly. I was told that my imperfect smile was not “pretty” so I practiced smiling without showing my teeth. I was told that I was “hyper” so I stopped being as active as I desired-for a time.

Years later, this pursuit of feigned palatability continued. I desired to dress like a mother of Africa but was told that my dress was “too much” so I chose dress shirts of white, blue, light pink and khakis and black slacks as my uniform. I wanted to dance and laugh and curse and do what I wanted to but was told that those things were “unholy” so I swallowed myself down.

And then one day, I woke up and hated what my life had become. I looked in the mirror and did not know the woman who looked back. I would sit on my bed and just cry. The joy of life had been sucked out with every single compromise I made in watering myself down for others folks acceptance. I had literally betrayed me. Little did I know that my inner me had begun to fight back against the prison of palatability a year or so before when I decided to (what I felt was a whim) to cut all my hair off on December 24th, 2010. It was an outward expression of the inner rebel. She had grown tired of the same ole same ole.

And then, I began to run every day, think about seeking work in a different city, and now almost 10 years later, my life has been transformed. I know that I may aggravate people with my renewed sense of self. But, I was dying a slow death and I had to save what was left of me. See that’s the thing about life- it is truly yours for the taking if you so choose. And I made a resolution to never ever shrink myself down again. Naysayers can choke for all I care. I will forever choose me. And you should certainly choose you.

Peace,

Ashaki

The Rage

I have not written about my thoughts about the state of affairs in regards to the relationship between black people and the police in a very long time. I used to dedicate so much of my time to it. The weight of it all began to affect me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

But, when a 15 year old girl is gunned down after calling for help– I had to allow my rage to be fully expressed. This rage is truly incomprehensible, it is ancient, one that comes from my ancient ancestors- those that had to witness lynchings, beatings, seeing their children sold off, being separated from their homelands, language, customs, spiritual systems.

This rage is deep seated. It is an emotion that can not truly be quantified. It pulsates, it never truly dies. It festers and drives me on. When folks ask me why I do not trust law enforcement, I am appalled. Look at what they continue to do. And they will go to great lengths to justify treating my family worse than a dog.

It is always this way. We take one step forward to be pushed back 10. For this reason, the rage has a life of its own. We continue to be dehumanized, retraumatized, and told to grin and bear it. I am exhausted! But, the rage does not allow for rest.

This rage is ancient. This rage is alive. Is there no safe place, no security, no solace for black people ?

I am choosing rage. And if it ever comes to my door, I choose violence..

40 Where?

Hello everyone. I hope that this message finds you well. I recently celebrated my 40th trip around the sun. 40. I don’t know when I arrived here but, here I am nonetheless- still youthful, joyful, silly, some may some immature in some ways but, definitely wiser, stronger, and more grateful than I have ever been in this life. I don’t know how my mother or grandmother felt in their body at 40, but I honestly feel amazing most days.

The point of this blog though is not even a reflection back but, more of taking a seat in the present. I realize how much I have missed in the past because of my eternal curiosity and intuitive knowing of that which is to come. In the present moment, I am focused on showing up every single day as my full self , focusing on my own plate and what is on it, and striving to be a better me than I was on the previous day.

I have taken more definitive steps to improve my near future than I ever have in the past. I have done things in the name of preserving myself and my children. And I am extremely pleased with myself. This is what growth looks like- it looks like admitting our missteps, correcting the things that I am able to, and still loving on me, showing self-compassion, and allowing myself to feel pleasure because I deserve it.

That’s the thing about growing older- you realize just how human you truly are but that you are also allowed the same level of grace that you allow others. You also realize that there really is no certain “age” requirements for accomplishing goals, reaching for desires, pursuing a new life.

I am rewriting my story. In the meantime, cheers to Chapter 40! I will be celebrating for the remainder of 2021!\

Peace,

Ashaki

2 Decades

20 years ago today, I stood in front of family and friends and eulogized my beloved grandmother, Lillie Ann DeBerry. I will never forget the anxiety that overtook me as I clutched the already written devotion and the feeling of relief when I decided to freestyle it and just speak from my heart. The look on my grandfather’s face, the smiles, but also the emptiness that I felt- the feeling of being gut punched as I braved my way through those moments. Unforgettable.

My mind has a hard time believing that 20 years has passed but another part of self is settled in it. I am such a different person then than I am now. I have been twice divorced, engaged twice, had 5 more children, left organized religion, cut off all my hair, regrew it, grew locs, moved, and yet I still miss my grandma Lillie with the same intensity.

I will tell you that I find great solace and peace in my spiritual practices of ancestral recognition, veneration, and honor. I know that she is ever with me, speaking, guiding, protecting, even chastising at times. Her spirit remains a strong presence in my life and the lives of my children.

Her death was tragic but it was her living that I am more concerned with. Once my mother transitioned last year, they both have shown up in multiple dreams. I giggle at the shenanigans that have occurred in the dream realm with those two. I have often felt a burning anger at how my grandmother lost her life, all of the pain she endured throughout the years. But, just as quickly I recall the joy that she expressed so freely, the tears with each laugh, the warmth of her hugs, and the love in each pot of food that she prepared. And I feel ease. ]

May my life be a testament to the power, strength, tenacity, and pure love of that woman. May my ancestral mothers be honored evermore.

I miss you Grandma Lillie. I love you. Until we meet again,

-Your Girl

The Legacy of Coffee

The other day I was thinking how much my mornings look like my mom’s when she was in her twenties. She always had fresh coffee, made her breakfast, read the newspaper, and prepared herself for the day–savoring the few hours early before anyone else was awake. I am much the same. I am up early on purpose. I love having time to rise slowly, be with myself, and pamper me for a bit before I have to face the world.

I began to reminisce about how all of my family- especially the women who raised me enjoyed coffee. My mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother all shared laughs, memories, debates, and so much more over a hot cup of coffee. It was a necessary staple in all of their households and I continue the legacy.

I remember Grandma Lillie putting on the percolator, brewing coffee early in the morning. I loved the smell ( I still do ) and I would beg for a little bit. My great-grandmother would say “You can’t have any coffee, it’ll make you black” and I would say “Well, I’m already black so give me mine!”. The women would swat me away but, I would hang around listening, being careful not to be too much of a nuisance so that they would allow me to hang.

I still vividly remember how they took their coffee too- Momma had 2 teaspoons of sugar and a little cream, Grandma liked her coffee black, and Great-grandma liked her with just a little cream. Coffee. I also realize that even in having just a cup of coffee, my foremothers were giving themselves of some well-deserved pleasure. Even in its simplicity, just the mere act of them sitting , drinking, and enjoying it brings me so much joy.

How hard they all had worked over the years, how much they had toiled. They deserved every ounce they savored. And so, as I sit early in the mornings, sipping on my coffee, I am honoring their memory by keeping the legacy alive.

Supreme gratitude of coffee.

Peace,

Ashaki

2021- A Year for Intentionality

Peace beloveds and happy new year! I have not been in a space to write, nor the vibe but I am feeling my way through my days now and so here I am.

The word “intentionality” has become a focus word for me this year (and honestly began before the calendar year 2020 came to an end). I have found myself being in a space where I simply cannot do as I used to do. Spiritual messages have come in like a wave and some days I am simply exhausted and unable to do–being forced to just be.

So, here we are halfway through the month of January and I am fighting to not feel guilty to spending so much time in reflection, declining calls, messages, interactions that are not serving me in this moment. I have dreams for my future and am finding that spirit is working with me and through me to facilitate growth and maturation in an entire different way than I could ever have imagined.

I don’t feel pushed to produce. I feel guided to allow. I am only pursuing activities, relationships, and other things from a position of being intentional. I find myself asking if I am doing something because it is what I have always done, is it because others expect this of me, or is this truly serving me, bringing me peace, joy, bliss, abundance?

I am being intentional about leaning into ease. I am seeking what feels good and aligned in this moment- nothing other than that. I must admit that it is not a particularly comfortable place to be in because we live in a society that pushes productivity. But, I am off the hamster wheel. I cannot go on in the manner in which I had for so many years.

As I reflect over the nearly 40 years of my life, I realize how often I had simply been living, touting being hard working as some badge of honor, yet all the while not honoring my divine self, and certainly not operating in my natural flow. So much has become easy with me simply being. I am enjoying it so far, though I have to check the masculine side of myself who says “get up and do!”.

As this planet continues to shift from operating from a highly masculine energy into a more feminine one, may we all find more ways of simply Be-ing. See y’all soon!

Peace,

Ashaki

Peace 2020

I cannot lie and say that this year went by quickly for me, because it certainly didn’t . It actually feels like more than a year has gone by since my end of year blog for 2019. But, I also realize that this year has given me much in relation to the person that is currently sitting at her workstation putting her thoughts onto virtual paper.

I want to share 5 important lessons that I learned this year. This list is definitely not an all-inclusive list for all I have learned in 2020, but they certainly are high on the totem pole.

  1. Goodbyes come quickly- So many people lost so many loved ones this year. I lost my mother, sister, and 3 other family members. Spend time talking to your folks, let them know that you love them, and cherish your time together because time is a commodity that cannot be replaced.
  2. Allow space for your feelings- I was confronted by a reoccurrence of PTSD in 2020. I was functioning but, not living. I was working myself ragged and thinking that I was ok until I was pulled on the side of a road, thoughts racing, unable to move. I had to allow myself to feel, acknowledge my feelings, and deal with them. I knew it was real when I broke down in her office.
  3. Stop doing things you don’t want to do and actually pursue your passions. I had to decide for myself to choose what I wanted to do and stop saying yes to everything I know I had no passion for. I found myself immersed in painting, divination, yoga, and meditation. Although I love Afrikan art and accessories, I stopped selling and promoting those products. I stopped joining Zoom calls and groups with promises of profit just because it was working for others. That ain’t my ministry and I am good with it.
  4. Set boundaries and keep them there! If I learned anything from my last relationship, it was for me to set healthy boundaries and maintain them. I can no longer allow myself to be caught up in unhealthy relationships, push myself to the limits, and not advocate for myself. I set the bar high because I know I deserve better than I have accepted. And I have gladly said goodbye to a few folks who refused to honor my boundaries.
  5. I am worthy of the best- For so many years, I have denied myself certain luxuries because I truly did not see how valuable I am. Well, I learned my value and although it is a continual process to keep myself from going back into accepting less than, I know that the best of life is my destiny and I want it! So, I have set a standard of only accepting that which is truly pleasing to me and nothing less. And subsequently I have been attracting better by doing so. So, I shall continue.

I hope that this new year brings you all more bliss, continued good health, abundance, joy, love, and peace. I will see you on the other side.

Peace,

Ashaki

Waiting for My Divine Love

Peace beloveds. As always, I hope that this post finds you well. I have been feeling the angst of singleness lately and wanted to share a few things.

One of my desires is to love, deeply, safely, and intensely. I would love to share space and time with someone. But, after many failures, I had recently locked this particular desire away, deciding to instead focus on my healing, growth, and evolution. I have not made the best decisions when it comes to entering into relationships, seeing their potential instead of their truth. And it has been damaging. I have been broken more times than I wish to say, harmed, abused, ignored– you name it.

Although I had entertained the thought of trying again, I am back to square one after being disappointed yet again. So, I said bump it– I. AM. DONE. I expressed my pain to a friend and she brought me a new perspective over the weekend. She put it to me like this–have you ever thought that spirit made them move away from you because they are not worthy? She expressed how important my walk is in this life and how it will take a very special person to support me in my goddesshood. She explained how in our motherland, the healers are often single because they could not find a partner who could handle the mantle that they carried in life. She expressed that my person has to be worthy of me and understand and accept the sacred work that I do.

I sat and meditated on this for a few hours. I know that I had not done anything for the inconsistency that I had received. And I heard spirit say that some of these men are seeking whom they can devour. It rattled me deep inside of myself. I had one particular person continually speak about my energy. I now feel deep down that is was not me at all that they were attracted to but to the energy and the light that I bring into the world. and have

So, I have decided to just allow space. When the time comes, my divine mate will make an appearance. Until then, I shall love me through and through. I shall dance, sing, paint, mother, divine, just be. I will love the hell out of my life until he shows himself true. See you all soon!

Peace,
-Ashaki

The Beauty of Letting Go

Peace beloveds! As always, it is my hope that this message finds you well. I have been doing so much shadow work, diving deep, working on being a better, more authentic me.

Recently, I have discovered the power of letting go- whether it be a relationship, an idea, a project…in whatever form “it” comes. I have determined that if a project, person, mindset, or action is not leading me to bliss, joy, and the creation of the life that I want to lead most, then it is not worth my time, energy, or attention and I must release it.

Recently, I reconnected with an old friend, who like me had decided to make some hard decisions and walk away from a few things. Talk about confirmation!

So, no it is not often easy releasing. It can be heartbreaking, bring up feelings of remorse, make you feel as though you are a failure because things did not pan out the way that you planned. But, beloved! Think of how freeing it is to disengage and loosen attachment to what is not serving the greater purpose.

Once I released, I was able to see how the situations and connections had hindered me in so many ways and I made the decision to choose better for me. I have struggled with setting healthy boundaries in the past and am honestly still a work in progress. But, I have made huge strides as of late.

Releasing requires taking inventory, reviewing where we are, who we are and determining who and where we want to be. Remember, life is all about choices. Are you making your chooses from a place of wholeness or from a place of trauma and codependency?

It is my hope that make the decision to release all that is not serving any purpose in your life. Scorpio season highlights the energy of letting go. Take inventory, remove, and move forward. You got this!

Until we meet again,

Ashaki

Discovering Joy

Peace fam! It has been a bit since my last post but, true to form, your girl has been busy. As you all know, I have had my share of losses this year, changes trials but, I have also been blessed with growth, abundance in ways that I never could have perceived before, and with opportunity for more , including expansion.

I am seeing more of how alignment plays a huge part in how much joy one can experience and how abundance is so much more than what we typically see.

Since returning home from my sister’s funeral, I have chosen to work harder towards my goals . One of my goals is to grow my business so that I can quit working part time. I realize that I haven’t taken the time to relish the fact that I have been able to maintain my lifestyle while only working part time. In my 20 year career, I NEVER worked less than 40 hours a week–I often worked much more! If my current life is not a shining example of unrecognized abundance, I don’t know what is.

I have been able to express my talents and actually be paid for it. This is absolutely amazing. I had to have a sit down with my damn self. It went like this “Girl you are making huge strides!” “You are making money from your business, making connections, celebrate your small wins”.

We often push ourselves to the point of exhaustion and never take time to reflect on how far we have come in our journey. And it is shameful! You and I are worthy of praise. If you are still pursuing your dreams, I believe you will achieve them. Never give up, never give in! And stop once in a while to smell the roses, watch the birds, admire a flower…

See You All Soon,

Ashaki