Greetings fam! I hope this message finds you well. I am currently sitting in the local Barnes & Nobles trying to process the happenings with my children. So, let’s start with the fact that I have 6 children. And before you ask, yes I birthed them all. Their ages range from 21-7, 4 boys and 2 girls.

So, let’s start with the 21 year old. He was an only child for the first 7 years of his life. I gave birth to him at age 16. It was not easy and my mother was an integral part of his life for years. He was with me during a lot of tragedy but, he doesn’t even really remember because he was with her a lot and I sheltered him from knowing the entirety of a lot. He and I have not been close since he was 17 years old, ran away from home, did some other things and I had to send him to other family members.

Now, on to today’s hot topic– my 13 year old daughter. She is a sweet girl but, also very passive aggressive and will tell an untruth in order to save her own skin- even at other’s expense.  Anyway she got into trouble yesterday and was punished and today she decides to chop off all of her locs! Another one of my children came to me and said they saw her hair in the trashcan and sure enough she has all of 3 inches of hair left on her head. I still cannot process what would possess her to do such a thing. But, this is my life.

My children are my inspiration but also my greatest challenge. And having the number of children that I have, dealing with all of those personalities at once, trying to guide and cultivate productive people, provide for them all emotionally, financially, spiritually, and otherwise, is downright exhausting and heart-wrenching at times.

I broke down today. I just broke. I couldn’t help it. I find myself feeling like a failure. What am I doing for them? Am I doing a good job? Am I properly preparing them for this world? Am I setting a good example? All of these questions haunt me.

Typically, our days are filled with school/work, homework, dinner, baths, catch up…Wash rinse, repeat. I try to interject some fun into their lives on my free weekends too. But, is that enough? I ask them how they are feeling, what’s going on at school, do they feel well, and so on and so forth but, is that truly enough?

I have spoken before about my dysfunctional childhood. The woman who birthed me and I have little in common, especially when it comes to parenting. I am ever present, stern but loving, concerned, fun. She was cold, distant, and eventually neglectful and verbally abusive. But, I focus on the good days that I remember and accept that maybe she did the best that she could. I try to give them all that I longed for with the exception of the material things, though my children are not hurting for much.

I could possibly go on and on and on about how inadequate I feel in this moment, how helpless, how ill-equipped but, that would only serve to add to an already stressful day. When I rise in the morning, my intention is always to do my very best by myself, my children, and all that people that I interact with.

My eyes burn with tears that I am refusing to let go at this table in B & N. I am having a chai tea and a piece of chocolate cheesecake that I know I don’t need–it is serving as a placeholder for a hug that I so desperately need right now. Parenting is the most difficult job I have ever held.

I can only assume that the most high, my ancestors, my guides, and all the benevolent spirits attached to me knew what they were doing orchestrating a life filled with children that I am supposed to rear. These children chose me to be their mother. Maybe they saw potential in me that I am unaware of. I just pray that whatever lesson I am meant to learn by being the mother of so many children become crystal clear. Because days like this are hard….so very hard. Tomorrow is another day. I just pray that it is better…….

 

Peace,

Ashaki