Missing Grandma

I buried my best friend, my teacher, my buddy, my dear grandma Lillie on this day 18 years ago. 18 years- how in the hell is that possible? It doesn’t seem that so many years should have passed by when her death is still so raw, so fresh, so painful to think about.

I still remember the call. I had been feeling sick at work the entire evening and just a week earlier, I had dreamed that she died. So, when my phone rung at aroundĀ  11:30 that night, I knew what it was before I heard the dreaded words.

I never thought I would lose her in the tragic manner that I did. But, throughout my life, my grandmother had made it clear that she knew that she wouldn’t live to be a very old woman. She would say ” I ain’t gonna live as long as Mama”. “Mama” was her mother and she lived to be 87. Her death was bitter, life shattering, and mind altering. It rocked our family to the core and the damage from her passing created clear rifts that are beyond repair.

Typically, I am fine on Valentine’s Day and even reminisce about my eulogizing her. I still cannot tell you how I stood up in that church and spoke so eloquently about her. All I know was that I had to do it. I didn’t feel that anyone else could do her justice.But, I am literally sitting here now with tears in my eyes, missing her.

I always sing her praises and I always will. I miss her terribly, especially when I am not having the best of days. My grandma had a way of making me feel that all was well, even when it clearly wasn’t. “My Girl” was her song to me and hearing the Temptations song sometimes stings because of the meaning that song has to me.

The days that followed her death were filled with questions, tears, anger, regret, and disbelief. I just could not deal with the fact that I would never hear her laughter again, or hear her stories, or sit in her lap. Gone were the hugs and kisses, the encouraging words, the undying support. My Grandma Lillie meant so much to me and helped nurture me for my entire life.

And although I know she is always with me, guiding me, speaking to me, watching over me, even chastising me when I fall short, the pain of the absence of her presence still hurts me to my core. May my life make her proud, bring honor to her memory, and joy to her spirit.

 

Peace,

Ashaki

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Divine Mothering

Greetings, greetings, greetings! I hope you are doing well this Tuesday. I am in full recovery mode after suffering all weekend with sinus inflammation, drainage, and headaches. Today, I am about 75% healed and actually feel well enough to get some things done lol.

Anywho, I wanted to share how the universe will deliver what we need when we need. I am a nurse by profession. I have spent my entire career caring for elderly patients in various settings but mostly long-term care and rehabilitation. I have no idea how many lives I have touched in my nearly 19 years but, I know it definitely is in the thousands.

Well, there have been times in which I have been affected by patients and families as well. Some of these people just grow on you and you end up connecting with them on a deeper level than just healthcare. Recently I had an Ethiopian man asĀ  a patient. He only spoke about 3 words in English. His wife was there daily, staying by his side as he recovered after surgery. His children visited daily as did other family members.

His wife is one of the sweetest spirits I have ever met and she truly gave me something that I have been missing for so many years. She mothered me. Every single exchange between she and I was one filled with concern, compassion, and genuine love. She fed me fruits, traditional Ethiopian foods, breads, and more. Each time I entered the room, she called me to her, holding food and feeding me as her own child.

In the settings in which I work, sometimes lunch does not happen- medications have to be passed, doctors are calling you to inquire about patient’s conditions, supervisors need you, etc. She observed me going without and out of concern, she fed me. But, it was so much more than just giving me food.

When she fed me, hugged me, and thanked me, she gave me the nurturing that I have been missing. She had the same feel as my grandma Lillie- warmth, love, joy, and divine feminine energy on high. She was graceful in all ways and her inner light shown bright. I am the one always giving so to be nurtured in that way was salve to a sometimes weary soul.

I am sure that she doesn’t even realize how impactful her simple kindness was to me in my life. On the day of discharge, I spent time in the room with my patient and his family, ensuring they had everything that they needed. The husband embraced me and kissed both my cheeks before leaving. I felt tears well in my eyes because they naturally embraced me as their own-even if it was only for a short period of time. May we all incline to treat one another as our own. Because the world certainly can use more love.

 

Peace,

Ashaki

Stepping Up My Game

Greetings fam! As always, I hope this message finds you well. I am coming to you all on the brink of explosion, well probably more like an implosion because I am usually very non-confrontational.

I know that I have to make some more major decisions. And they are not going to be easy but, they are so necessary. I have had to make other adjustments over the past 2 years that have brought tears, anxiety, and more unpleasantness.

These new changes are probably going to induce some of those same emotions but, I always follow my first mind. If my first mind tells me to let something or someone go, I do just that nowadays. I spent many years denying those thoughts and suffered much in the long run because of my “kung-fu grip” approach to people.

Some of these changes involve my lifestyle. I am going to push myself more physically, increase my overall care of myself, and really focus on improving myself. I am currently sipping on a nice smoothie as I type this (insert wink here!). I am actually considering heading back to the gym! Even if I only make it to the gym a few nights a week, I think it will be good for me to just get out of the house, focus on making improvements, and build some new self-care practices in addition to what I do already.

I am also going to work towards putting myself out there more. I must admit it is frightening to expose my spiritual business to the entire world, approaching new potential clients, and sharing my gifts. I am just like anyone, I feel self-doubt, unworthiness, and small compared to others that I see. However, there is something within me that will not allow me to not move forward. So, here I come- out in the open for the world to see.

This is just a small snapshot of me stepping my game up. I have so much more to do….

#staytuned

 

Peace,

Ashaki