Greetings! I hope all is well in your “youniverse”. I am well now but today has admittedly been trying. I have been struggling to silence the negative lizard brain all freaking day! Why? Because I honestly am afraid of the changes that I know are coming. I decided last week to resign from my full- time job. I was not happy, and I am old enough to know when I must make a change. I have been putting it off for a while, but the time had come for me to part and pursue other things.
Now, I know and overstand that my fears are not real. I am super talented, well learned, professional with a ton of options to make a living. My fears are founded in the fact that for my entire life, money has been scarce and struggle a constant. I was born into a very poor family and their relationship with money has always been a negative one; an unhealthy dance of paying bills late, scraping by, and never making a good living. Overcoming lifelong influences are super hard so today I was faced with those issues again.
I have meditated several times today, distracted myself with other things, performed self- talk, even saged myself. The voice finally stfu a few hours ago. But, I am left with the residuals, an anxiety that again is not substantiated by my circumstances presently. So, I find myself at my laptop, writing about my issue in hopes that my transparency helps someone else not feel like they are failing out here.
I am the first to admit that I also struggle with not feeling depressed about the accomplishments that I have yet to bring forth. And now that I have chosen to walk away from a full-time position with benefits, I feel crazy as hell. However, I am also at a time in my life that I know I cannot do anything that my spirit is not resonating with- no matter the benefits. I must pursue the things that I love full force going forward- no matter the level of discomfort that I feel at the unknown.
As brilliant as I am (insert sarcastic giggle here), I am unsure as to where my journey is leading me. I have applied a few places, but I am not entirely bought into the notion that I must work one full time job to maintain my lifestyle. I am certain that I will be working with multiple streams of income, performing various tasks and jobs to make my money. Freedom is so appealing. I have no idea what freedom looks like, but I think it is high time that I find out.
Ashaki Omikunle Ali
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