Suicidal Thoughts……

Peace, love, and abundant light everyone! Hope all is well with you. I decided to do something different today. I usually never pay attention to trending topics but I decided to just look at topics relating to life and what people were interested in, searching for, and in need of. I saw topics ranging from meditation to finding their life purpose. But, one topic that really struck a cord with me was the topic of suicide.

I did a little research and discovered some shocking facts. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

  1. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States
  2. Each year 44, 193 deaths by suicide each year
  3. For every 1 suicide, there are 25 attempts
  4. There is an average 121 suicides a day

Now, you may be asking yourself, why is Ashaki talking about such a morbid topic? Well, would you have every guessed that I attempted to commit suicide twice in my life. As much as I speak about light, love, and the beauty of life, I know the darkness that life can hold. Each time when I made the decision to end my life, I felt that there was nothing left for me, that life had dealt me a terrible hand, and that the world would be better if I were no longer in it. How selfish and foolish I had been! I spoke ill over my own life. I mean I absolutely hated my life and could not see past my own pain and issues to see just how much I mean to others and how much impact my life could have on others.

I came to the realization that my purpose on this planet though not well known to me, was most definitely real just by the fact that I had been born. I began to nourish my soul through prayer, meditation, and by pursuing the things that make my soul sing. Writing became therapeutic, as did dancing, exercise, and listening to music. I spent time with friends. I spoke out about my issues and began to deal with things I had buried deep in the recesses of my mind years ago. I began to peel back the layers of protection I built up and get real. I cried, and cried, and cried. But, then I saw the resilience I have, I saw how I had successfully navigated really dangerous situations, extreme dysfunction, and at times unbelievable circumstances. I deliberately would say to myself “I love you “to myself until I believed it.

I never spoke of wanting to end my life for many years. I was embarrassed and I felt weak but then I realized that being able to not end my life was not embarrassing but it was an act of courage. I began to share my story with a few people and so many people have shared with me feelings of wanting to commit suicide, even attempts. The reward for me has been to here from someone that something I shared help them to make a different decision. It is my belief that if more people shared their story, more lives could be saved. To those who may have thought about ending their life, please know that your life matters and as long as you have a heartbeat, you have a purpose. Your life is not a mistake and though life can be daunting, it is still good. I truly believe that life is what you make it. Your perspective and your attitude towards life can literally determine how your days play out. Reflect on the great things in your life and think of the people who love you, care for you, who depend on you. You matter and your life is precious.

 

Hetepu,

Ashaki Ma’at Mirembe Ali

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