Celebrating Junior

Peace & blessings fam! Seems like it has been eons since I have written but I write everyday, I just do not always blog it, post it, or even put pen to paper. Anyway, my life has changed so much over the last few months—from losing a brother, deciding to bring some things to a close, turning age (36!!), and beginning a new business. I am learning more and more about myself and it is not always easy to look at yourself and love yourself inside and out. Anyway, tomorrow is a very special day. It is the day my baby brother would have turned 33 years old.

It is hard to believe that my brother transitioned from this life 23 years ago, exactly 6 days before his 11th bEarthday. I sometimes can see glimpses of him in my two youngest sons- from the smirk on my baby’s face that he has worn from almost birth to the need to be outdoors as much as humanly possible that my 7-year-old exhibits. My brother is ever present. Memories of him have not faded and some are more distinct than others.

One of my favorite memories of my brother was from a few weeks before his transition. My mother used to work the late shift so he and I would be home alone a lot even during his sickness. Anyway, he and I would watch movies until bedtime. He began to tell me how he knew he was dying and that he knew we were trying to hide the truth from him. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I thought he couldn’t feel my pain because I was dying inside myself. I had just had to bury my father after he was killed in a work related accident and my brother was nearing his time. There was no joy to be felt during that time. I felt very hopeless. And then, my brother helped ease my heart. He told me that I should not be sad because he was not afraid and he was ready to die. He said that each time he closed his eyes angels were there telling him that he was going to be just fine. He told me that he knew that this was just another beginning and that he would not know pain in his new life. I did not understand then, but I fully understand now and my understanding took years.

So, on March 23rd, 1995, my youngest brother, Donald Lovette Johnson Jr. , left his cancer striken 10 year old body and transcended into his new life. He left all the illness, pain, and heartache here on Earth. His spirit lives on no doubt. My brother loved “18 wheelers” (as he called them), riding his red Huffy bicycle, playing outside, and playing NBA Jams. My brother survived having a stroke at 2, brain surgeries, and multiple seizures to live to the ripe age of 10. My brother once kicked my ass for not letting him watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. My brother, who would try to follow me on his bike as I rode mine to my friends’ house and get mad and yell “I’m telling Mama!!” when I wouldn’t let him come. My brother, who knows my secrets, knows life behind the doors of our home, and who I kept safe from knowing more than I felt he could handle. My brother, who we called Junior, left an indelible mark upon my life. I am braver, stronger, more loving, more forgiving, and more grateful for life because of him. So, happy happy bEarthday Junior. Your sister loves you eternally……. March 29th will forever be your day so get ready for cake, a nice plate of food, and other offerings….most of all my love.

 

Hetepu,

Ashaki Ma’at Mirembe Ali

“Andre’a”

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Beginning Again…

Peace everyone. It has been quite some time since my last post and for so many different reasons. I have lost a dear loved one, started a new business (which is soon to launch), among other things. I titled this post “Beginning Again” because that is literally what I am having to do at this point in time.

About six weeks ago I joined a business bootcamp. Now, on the surface, it appeared to be solely business based but what I found along the way is that I had to confront my life at its current state. I had to come to the realization that I was not totally clear on what I wanted and once I gained clarity, I knew a lot had to change. Change is not always easy, desired, or painless.

For most of my adult life, I have been someone’s wife and then I was in another serious relationship soon after my marriage ended. I have never had to truly be alone since I was about 22 years old and even then, I had long relationships for the most part. Now, I have to deal with Ashaki– her quirks, her longings, her feelings. It has been emotional but also enlightening.

I just celebrated a bEarthday on March 15th and last weekend I took myself out of town for the weekend. I enjoyed my stay in a lavish hotel, eating beautiful food, getting a massage, and napping to the sound of the ocean. I learned that I am a “company addict”.  I am not the “be alone” type if that makes sense even though I have been feeling that I want to be alone for a while. Anywho, I came to the realization that is not truly the company that I desire but rather the distraction from being with myself.

And so life is beginning–again. I am restructuring everything as I must. And this journey may be arduous but at the end I will be rewarded. No I am not speaking in terms of anything monetary, but I will gain a greater understanding of who I am, what kind of stuff I am made of, and also what I have to offer to the world. I would love to be a wife again someday but for now, let me just learn to be a friend and lover to myself.

 

 

Hetepu,

Ashaki Ma’at Mirembe Ali